My life moves in extremes, and all i want to have is normalcy. Everything is normal if you look at me in my day to day life. It’s my struggle with myself and which tears me apart.
I have a job for which i am thankful to god, but i am badly stuck here and i earn pennies. While my friends are building houses and buying cars, i am just able to fend myself. I work for a very big company but i am here for close to six years, joined here as a fresher and never changed after that. I never really liked the job in IT but i was the first one in my batch to get job. I really do not know what needs to be done. To make myself part of big league, i need to work hard, i need to study , i need to push myself, i know all these but do nothing. Job is not my calling, neither the big bucks, but i need that satisfaction which comes from a day well spent in office. I want to be known as someone who knows his job and he is brilliant in what he does…i really want that appreciation. But why on earth i do not force myself to achieve is what killing me for many years.
My typical weekend could start anywhere from Nietzsche to pornography, and from meditation to masturbation, and all these comes out as empty experiences. None of things which constitutes my days are any things where i might have given my hundred percent. Job, reading, writing, conversations, a mug of ice tea or cooking, I just do what i have to do to survive.
I am not passionate about anything, nothing excites me but almost everything worries me. I look at my friends, they are doing simple things in life. Going to job, getting married, trying new restaurants and they looks perfectly normal to me. I am sure they have their share of issues but they are not bogged down. They do not look to be in conflict all the time. I wish i had that normalcy in my life.
I live alone here in Bangalore, after my youngest sister got married last month. My parents feel that all my worries would be over once i get married. My biggest problem is- i do not want to get married when i am absolutely broken in many pieces. I am very vulnerable right now, but how would i explain these to my wife. Nobody would want to be with somebody like me. What would i give her, my problems , my insecurities, i do not want someone else dreams to get crushed because of me.
My dear readers, if you exist, where ever you are, help me.
I am like this for many year, almost 10 years. Don’t tell me to go to psychiatrist , even if this is the only option. I wont be able to explain this to my parents.