i had a date with myself

If loneliness could kill, I am dead already. It does not kill you, it stays with you to torment you with the insights or fake insights it gives you about yourself. You suffer because you know a lot about life or you suffer because you know less. Do you believe in knowing life when other suggests living it? How life is lived, what is happiness. Why happiness is happiness, why we feel certain way after certain things happens to us. Understand that happiness finally is a game which hormones play with us. Isn’t it something science tells us?

What really soul crushing is, dissection of your own life’s every action, and which is masterfully done by your own mind. You take a decision out of your understanding of situation and circumstances which on that very instant you know that world around you would loathe, and you would feel guilty few moments afterward. You made many unhappy, someone who is really pissed off by you would say you some harsh words, your guilt consciousness would not increase at that point because at that instant you would be busy defending your action which you initially felt was right thing to do. But you will feel ashamed of yourself, the more you think about it the more you will feel guilty.

People have expectations from you. And, you have plans to fulfill those. You have really good plans, you want to execute them in that way, but you cannot communicate your plans to them. They won’t believe you, for them it would be something like waiting for something in total uncertainty which does not require any waiting at all. Though all your life you have followed the instruction given to you, but idea of leading your own life in so much ingrained in you that life is just tearing apart in this process of decision making. The streak of rebel or slightly sadistic attitude of hurting yourself a little more, you say no to everything. Notion of saying no is now natural to you. Don’t bend even you are wrong and you know that. You do it more often and people start deserting you even more. You have mental ability to feel, some does not have that. You understand empathy and sympathy others do not. You suffer more because you are more human than others. You suffer more because you want people around to feel happier and you want yourself to be the reason. You ask for respect, but people around you ask your credentials. You cannot take it. You have nothing to show. You feel that you have everything in you that can make you successful in others eye as well, but that sadistic streak inside you would prevent it. What’s the fucking point…..

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